Got up at 5am and got dressed. When the weather starts to get a little colder, I like to shower at night so I can go to bed warm after a hot shower. I felt a slight pain in my head, “it’s the light”, I thought, ” too early to be awake, to early for there to be light”. Still, work isn’t going to do itself. I walk downstairs and eat a small breakfast my mom made. She’s always up this early to see her husband off. The guy is an ass. Maybe she gets up this early because she likes to see him leave, I don’t know. I head out myself and face the cold dry wind outside. I turn the heater in the car to a medium to stay warm and I listen in for the traffic report on the radio. Green Day (change), Bruno Mars (change), reggaeton; I turn the radio off. I leave the car in a parking lot and walk the rest of the way. The wind is a lot more humid in the city and it’s colder as well. I look at my phone: 47 degrees. I knew I should have worn gloves. I get to the city an hour earlier than I thought I would. I shouldn’t spend money on IHOP, I can’t afford it this week, with the wedding being this Friday and all. I have to stay out of the cold or risk getting sick. No, I can’t afford that either, not this weekend. I walk to a McDonald’s, grab a coffee and some cookies and find a seat. This will have to do.
I have my own project going on, which is on a bit of a hold, but Pipo and I got to talking today about starting a two person thing. I’ve been telling him for years to start a little project with me but up until now he never really had an interest for doing anything with anyone. “Remember how I never want to do anything with anyone when it comes to music?” He asked, “How about we give it a go? We should really due that acoustic project” Starting next week we’re going to start practicing and we’ll see what happens. No names or anything for the project yet. Need to get the feel of it first. We might also ask Tracy to help because she’s good with music and she plays xylophone.
Work has been a bit tough because I’ve been having problems with one of my supervisors. Thing is, I don’t know what the problem is. She started being really mean and serious with me from one day to the next and she won’t tell me why. I hated work for two weeks because of it but another supervisor came back from vacation and I’m enjoying work more because of him. He’s really laid back and we all joke around when we’re working which makes the stress of everything feel less.
I started getting sick today. I actually felt my throat drying up last night but I took some pills and felt a little better. This morning my throat was dry and swollen so I went to get it looked at and the doctor asked if I wanted a shot or some pills. I told him I’ll take the shot it get whatever it is over with quicker and he said,”Hmm…umm…I’ll just give you pills”. My throat felt better for a few hours but I think the medicine is wearing off because my throat feels like it’s swelling up again.
I’ve noticed that a lot of people take my friendship for granted. People always have but I started doing something about it this year and I got called a dick for it. People who never talk to me or do but are kind of rude, I just stopped putting up with it. There are still people who keep me around but don’t bother to see how I’m doing or anything. Other people show up, say hi to everyone, and walk right by me like I’m not even there.
I’m off tomorrow and I really want to get my car to the mechanic because I really need it. I just want to get better, hang out with Tracy, not stress about work so much, and eat something because I’m hungry.
It’s the early morning. I woke up to the sound of an artificial rooster and I wanted to destroy my phone. It’s no one’s fault but my own. “Should have gone to sleep sooner, dumb ass” I whisper. I’m in the mood for sad music and as I walk upstairs to shower, “Pretty Horses” by Sanawon plays in my head. I think that that’s the only Korean thing that I know of that I listen to. Jenny Choi doesn’t even sing in Korean and they’re not from Korea. In fact the only thing Korean about the band is their name and Jenny Choi. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t really talk to me. I’m thinking about Liz. Then again, maybe there’s no reason at all. Maybe she’s just too busy with school like she says she is every time she says sorry.
My mind shifts to Karla and I wonder what the hell happened. Is it really that she finds George to be better than me and now she’s shifted her interest? I believe him when he says he has no interest in dating her. He is, however, a lot more attractive than I am, which automatically makes him more “interesting”. I hate that but that’s the way it is, I guess. Still George is 8 years younger than she is, in a committed relationship with a girl he lives with and he calls her daughter his own.
What makes me so avoidable or easy for forget? Maybe I’m just not attractive enough? My friends would all argue the same thing, that I think about it way too much. Which is true, at times. Sometimes I couldn’t care less and I don’t really put any effort into thinking about it. They’re right though, and I know I shouldn’t really put so much effort into it. I believe things eventually fall into place as you’re moving along. I step out of the shower and look at myself in the mirror. “You’re just full of wonderful thoughts this morning, aren’t you?” I tell myself, “At least you don’t look so bad today”
How to calm the anger when it comes? That cold tide and boiling splash that hits you. That knot, that clench, those grinding teeth. The deep breaths that taste like a sack of pennies. How to calm that pounding feeling on your face that feels like it will make you burst? That yell you want to yell and the fists you want to let fly. To curse the heavens and the universe, the bitch that didn’t look your way or who left you for someone else. Shoot the daggers with that razor tongue and drink that bottle dry. Anything to blame anyone but yourself for that road you thought would lead you anywhere but a dead end. But sometimes the tracks end too soon or don’t start at all, even though we thought we heard that whistle blowing. But that dented plaster you left on the wall or those bottles of Jack won’t change a thing. Not even the daggers you spit so ruthlessly at the chest of another. It is what it is.
Most of the time I don’t care
but other nights, like tonight, I wish I was better looking.
Halfway Past the Driveway pt. 1
There have been various periods in my life where I have grown and gone through highs and lows, as everyone. I will admit that there have been more lows than highs but when those high points are great enough, they eclipse the lows and it makes everything alright. It took some time, a very long time, to understand that bad times are necessary in life and we all have to keep going, make the best of it, and try to learn what we can from them. That chapter of my life was one of the longest, most frustrating, depressing, and most enjoyable. That chapter was called Halfway Past the Driveway.
The name came to me because of my situation. I was in and out and all over the place, sleeping in couches, renting rooms, different cities and even different countries. I was always gone but far from being where I needed to be. It started when I was 17 and left my mother’s house to return to the US because crossing every morning to go to school was proving to be extremely difficult and draining. My friend at the time, Jordan, and his mother offered their home as my own and I took it seeing it was a better opportunity. Also, there was a clash at home with my sister and I. Being around each other for too long made us want to kill each other. I thought that if we could be around each other less, things would be better. A window opened and I left.
I lived with Jordan until I was 19 and then I moved in with my cousin and his family in National City for a few months. After that, I moved in with Guy for about a year and a half. It was at Guy’s apartment where I did a lot of my searching and growing. I felt like I had no chains and all the liberty to do anything I wanted. The whole thing about Halfway Past the Driveway was that I didn’t know what I wanted from life or how to get it. How to find it? Shit, how to look for it? I didn’t know. A hundred roads and 99 dead ends, so I tried them all.
A lot of people started drinking around 19 or 20 others a little earlier, around 15. I started drinking and smoking when I was 13 and when I moved in with Guy, the habit got worse. Parties (LOTS), girls, drinking, drugs, why not? When I dated Hanna, I stopped smoking weed for a while because she wanted to try it and I didn’t want her to because she had an addictive personality. She said it wasn’t fair that I smoked and she didn’t, I agreed so I stopped.
On one of Frida’s visits back to the US, she offered me a job in Spain and I took it. At the time, whatever was going on with Crystal ended, my grandfather was dying of lung cancer, my family was breaking apart and fighting, my friends were not being great friends, and I, again, felt the need to get out.
Lumbier was the furthest I had ever been from home. Again, I did some searching but this time it was healthier and cleaner. I changed who I was and I did a lot of soul searching and I found a person I never thought I could be; someone great. With new friends, a new home, and a new lifestyle, I felt better than ever before. But what goes up, must come down.